I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
