Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
