WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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