Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Randomize
