The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
The struggles of a small town man whore
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
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