Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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