I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
My cat gives me a boner
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
