I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
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