I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
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