Your mouth is God's brothel.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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