You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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