So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
