Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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