on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
