I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
