Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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