Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Everything about him screamed your future.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
