Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
