you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Help. Why am I so naked?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
