Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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