So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
