Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
