its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Randomize
