Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Randomize
