Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
