Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
