just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Randomize
