I will die if light touches me.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
