Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Randomize
