Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
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