If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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