yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Randomize
