Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
