Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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