I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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