Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
We had to coat check the pizza.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
