every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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