Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
