Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
