Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
