he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
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His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
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HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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