the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
