do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
