my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
You surviving the open bar?
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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
