we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
