If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
