shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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