No awkward lesbian experiences without me
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
