Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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