I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
You made out with two different species that night
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
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