I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
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