Your face is a jimmy john
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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