she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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